Humor

With nothing left to give, Phatman and Picard give up. Not because they want to, but because they've been discarded by society. Fortunately, on their path past humanity, they find meaning...as it relates to the meaning of life. Granted, they forget it almost instantly, but that is beside the point. The point is: It's catastrophic the way these two imagine the world?

From the Poet behind "Sex, Lies, and Poetry" and "America: Land of the Buy One, Get One Free" comes a third collection of comic poetry! Connoisseurs will be disgusted, the author's parents and teachers will be ashamed, and you will be delighted by the short, irreverent literary glop this book contains. Inside, you will: -Learn why leprosy is a blessing -Probably be offended -Laugh until your spleen almost ruptures, but not quite, because we're considerate that way. So why wait? Buy the longest title yet from the World's Worst Professional Poet before someone wises up and quits producing this garbage!

Mein Trumpet - Volume 1 is a compilation of the somewhat controversial advice from Brigadier Coleman Straightjacket-Trumpet III, Lead Agony Aunt for the Whippet Digest. Relying heavily on his learnings at Twittenhouse Finishing School for Boys and experiences from an extensive military career, Coleman offers his perspective on a variety of topics including terrorism, democracy, transgender toilets, gun control, politicians, fox hunting, corruption, global warming, banking, infant feeding, drugs, immigration, healthcare, corporal punishment and many more.

本書蒐錄知名學者鮑家麟教授40件雋永作品──我們那一代的見聞、經歷、感想和回憶。是鮑家麟教授在課餘，興之所至，以嘉霖筆名所寫。大部份在世界日報和亞省時報刊出。書中文章的類別可分解憂﹑勵志﹑歷史﹑教學﹑家在圖桑及其他。本書為《臺大人回憶錄叢書》之一，是臺大人文庫系列作品。序言 這是我繼"婦女問題隨想錄之二：沙漠甘霖"（台北稻鄉出版社出版）之後的另一散文集，搜羅了四十餘篇雜文，加上幾首詩歌。是我在課餘，興之所至，以嘉霖筆名所寫。大部份在世界日報和亞省時報刊出。本想題名為"敝帚集"，取敝帚自珍之意，但此一書名已有人用過，只好作罷。 書中文章的類別可分解憂﹑勵志﹑歷史﹑教學﹑家在圖桑及其他。解憂類的有解憂功，美國的車尾文學，新鮮玩意兒，西洋歌劇真有趣，第一次看歌劇，盡信GPS不如無GPS。勵志類的有天堂地獄俱在人心，境由心生，從莫扎爾特說起，過猶不及，明天會更好，無顏見江東父老情結，以及好好念書的歌詞。 文史類較多，有中國的發明對西方的影響，孔子的行情，易經是人類的寶典，地球暖化，美國的少數民族，叫德國人太沉重，從"最後一課"到歐盟：阿爾薩斯去來，張良與黃石老人──歷史的想像，燕梳鎮屋柏文共渡，筆名等篇。教學類的有知識就是力量，教學服務，介紹信，學生評鑒教授應予廢止，晝寢，學中文趣味多。 家住美國西域的圖桑，夏天炎熱高溫，見於鐵釘殺手一文，及見山火有感的塔形詩。對付這種氣候的辦法有消暑功一文。圖桑的土地婆──露伊絲馬歇爾，和外遇演習，也都是圖桑的故事。其他的雜文中，有個"子不語"類，凡涉及不科學或迷信者皆屬此類，掉頭髮，與科學實驗共舞，神佛難為，太陽能與大日如來密法等皆是。 本書由走在時代尖端的漢世紀微出版公司（EHGBooks）全球發行，在www.amazon.com就可買到，是我的光榮。

"Ridiculously entertaining!" - Christopher Shevlin, Author of Amazon UK's (Humour) #1 bestselling 'Johnathan Fairfax' seriesAre you terrible at life?You're not alone. But the problem isn't you: it's adulthood - with its ridiculous expectations, soul-sucking admin and casual threats of prison.Yet what if you could get all the perks of being a grown-up without having to throw your inner child under a bus? Well, now you can.With Avoiding Adulthood, it's now possible to opt-out of life's most nagging problems... for the price of mere dignity.So join bestselling author Paul Hawkins today and learn how to: - Do a whole weekly supermarket shop in just five seconds- Pull a sickie so convincing your employer will beg you not to come in- Become instantly and undeservedly rich (just by moving somewhere terrifying)Avoiding Adulthood is packed full of anarchic British silliness, impractical advice and a serious plan to become a Somali warlord. It's the perfect gift for that chaotic and ridiculous "grown-up" in your life (especially if that chaotic and ridiculous "grown-up" is you.)Life is hard, so why not cheat?

As they say, 'Happy is the best medicine to your body and mind'. And what better way to be happy than by reading funny jokes! Get this book NOW and read 100+ pages of Funny Short Stories and Funny Jokes. Do you want to: -Eliminate stress-Heal yourself-Bring joy to people around and-Most importantly, laugh your heart out! If yes, then this is the book for you.So make yourself at home or at school, relax, and get ready to be happy at our funny jokes collection Jokes for everyone - high quality and hilarious - this book is a must read!So what are you waiting for?Scroll up NOW and click the BUY Button to get your own copy!Young readers will have a fun time sharing this funny collection of hilarious jokes with their friends and family! A great gift for everyone!Sample Jokes in the Book1.The First Question of Donald TrumpPresident of United States is most afraid of falling into the language trap when doing a public speech, so he always speaks with cautious.One day, Donald Trump visited Russia. At the airport, a reporter asked Donald Trump, 'Do you want to go to the nightclub?'Donald Trump is very smart and replied this question with another question: 'Is there any nightclub in Russia?'In the next morning, the headline of the newspaper is: "The first question of Donald Trump that he asked when he arrived Russia: 'Is there any nightclub in Russia?' "2.One Wish For Three PeopleOne day, three people went to the cliff and they met a genie!The genie grants each of them a wish, only if they jump down the cliff while making their wish.The sea is next to the cliff, so it is safe for them to jump down.The first man jumped down and shouted, 'Money! Money!'When he landed, he has money all over his body.The second man jumped down and shouted, 'Gold! Gold!'When he landed, he has gold all over his body.The third man saw that he could not wait to jump down, but unfortunately he was caught by the branches on the way.He shouted, 'Oh! Shit!' In the end, he has shit all over his body.3.Who Fart on Bus?In the morning, the bus was crowded with people. Someone secretly farts and farts again and it smells so badly, and the passengers cannot move away.Everyone wants to find out this guy and kick him out of the bus, but no one knows who farts.Finally, the driver said, 'Hey! The farting guy! You have not paid the fare yet!' Bob replied. 'Yes, I have paid the fare!' and then he was kicked out of the bus.4.A Great ProphetThere was a place that has no rain for three year. A desperate farmer came to ask the prophet, 'When will it rain?'The prophet gave him an envelop and said, 'This is a secret, and do not reveal it until the time comes. The time will come when you see rain in the sky, then and only then the secret is for you to reveal.'Three days later, it began to rain, and the farmer remembered what the prophet has said, and took out the envelop and opened it. It is written: "It's raining today."The farmer was shocked and said, 'His prophecy comes true! He is really a great prophet!'5. The Fatal FoodOne day, a famous nutritionist gave a speech to a large audience in Chicago. "The things we eat that goes into our stomach are enough to kill the majority of people here: the meat is terrible and the vegetables are terrible, and no one of us is aware of the bacteria that are present in the drinking water, and out of all, there is one food that is the most dangerous to our health, but we all have to eat it someday, who can tell me what the fatal food I am talking about? Anyone? The gentleman of the first row, please tell me your answer."The man bowed his head and replied, "A Wedding Cake."

"Under The Book" is not really under any book other than the letter 'T' itself, but as we understand words a little more and carry on into the English alphabet, it's just another book in an otherwise odd and somewhat unusual collection of books about the single letters in turn of the English language.

Do Vampires Poop? Do Ghosts Fart? Can Zombies Swim? Come along on this hilarious trip as Sean Leary answers these and other incredibly important questions in his own unique funny and strange manner, offering a book full of laughs and unique creativity.

Leger's family are taking a trip to a tiny Scottish island and he is looking forward to spending the summer with Annabella, Hugh and Bob. But when he discovers he is to stay in Glasgow with Annabella's niece, Carole, while the rest of the family go on their trip he is outraged. Leger hears there has been a murder on the island and knows he has to somehow travel with them and assist in finding the killer. What he didn't count on was meeting a fellow cat sleuth on the island as well as a clowder of unfriendly gossips. The island way of life proves to be very different from Glasgow. Can he deal with culture shock as well as solve the crime? Can he and Lily, the beautiful calico detective work together to solve this case or will their egos prevent them from becoming friends?

This book is NOT a 'How-To' of tips and techniques nor is it a Social Media marketing guide - FAR FROM IT! Social Media Psychobabble exposes the amorphous world of Social Media, digging into the absurd, nonsensical psychobabble that the majority of this medium has become. It is written to reveal the mess, open dialogue and educate - It is a wake-up call to the powers that can do something to fix the problems! The book looks at the history of the WWW, the How-To genre, Social Media Tools, the Players and the massive diatribe of drivel and imbecilic, valueless marketing that now fills masses of server farms across the globe. It rips open the happy-flappy veneer of the narcissistic, over-exuberant Social Media snake-oil sales people and it exposes many for the charlatans they are, with their absurd claims of instant business success. It is by no means inclusive of all as the subject has grown to a Godzilla size problem. The book is full of examples showing how the on-line 'content-creation-runaway-train' is polluting the WWW (The Beast) with unmoderated, unmitigated garbage that is wreaking social and political havoc as it favours the stupid, the fake, the narcissists, the trolls, the bullies, the scammers, the terrorists and more. It shows how we stand by and allow The Beast to stupidly pollute our youngest most malleable, susceptible minds. If you are a parent, a teacher, a social worker and have young lives to protect and nurture you will want to know what is really going on in the belly of The Beast. If you are working in or touting Social Media and are perhaps a runaway-content-creator then this book is certainly NOT for you but you and your ilk are most probably in it ... Enjoy!

What makes a fairy tale Irregular? Hansel & Gretel's parents refusing to allow the kids to be adopted by fairies because they disapprove of the fairy lifestyle. Rumplestiltskin teaching a young woman to keep her promises. A prince for Rapunzel who never mastered rope climbing in gym class. Tom Thumb's mother refusing to allow him to date the one girl his size because she's Protestant.Not fairy tales for children - although frequentlychildish - Irregular Fairy Tales are much more fun than atrip to the ball, and less expensive too, when you considerhow much interest Fairy Godmothers are charging thesedays.The Ithaca Times says..."The conversations between characters in these stories sometimes recall the deadpan absurdities of Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks (in 'The 2,000-Year-Old Man' and all of their movies.)"..."Teel is at his best when he integrates sound, alabeit only tangentially relevant, logic into these tales in a breezy, off-hand style."... "In 'Hansel and Gretel' (and several other stories) (Teel) wraps up his story in fashion that is...the opposite of the traditional ending, which can be gratifying to those who find cheerfully clever children to be really obnoxious." --The Ithaca Times

She's sitting on a secret. With thousands Uber and Lyft rides under her belt, Uber Diva offers a birds eye view of what it's really like to work as a rideshare driver. She also instructs passengers on how to avoid getting spanked with a 1 Star rating. Meet the freaks, learn the equipment, and see how this diva survived when a drunk driver T-Boned her car. Based on true rideshare experiences in the San Francisco Bay Area. "Uber Diva" includes educational chapters answering these burning questions: What kind of insurance is needed as an Uber driver?What equipment will be necessary before drivers start driving?How is Uber different than driving for Lyft?What's the etiquette for passengers?What about driver and passenger safety?This book expresses the author's personal memories and opinion, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the companies mentioned in the book including Uber, Lyft, Google, Apple or Twitter. This book is not affiliated with the online jewelry retailer Uber Diva.

Cranthology is a collection of poems, cartoons, stories, excerpts, etc., chosen by the compiler, who is me, Roy Crandal. You will find dictionary poems, straight poems, arbitrary silliness, cartoons, six essays and one special Movie Matinee.

J'ai lu tous les dictionnaires. Aucun, de près ou de loin, n'est de l'étoffe - simili velours en skaï - du mien. Ceci ne m'a guère surpris. C'était donc la preuve qu'il y avait une grosse lacune dans l'univers feutré du savoir académique. Dès lors, il ne reste plus qu'à la combler en publiant mon dictionnaire. Evidemment, il est moins épais que certains mais, primo, il ne tire pas à la ligne, sauf près des rivières, et, secundo, sa vocation est tout autre: il est le dictionnaire indépassable, le dictionnaire définitif, Ze dictionnaire, Il dictionnaire, El dictionnaire, Das dictionnaire et ainsi de suite jusqu'à épuisement de l'ensemble des dialectes de cours de récréation.Ainsi, après cet ouvrage définitif, plus aucun autre ne pourra sérieusement se réclamer de la famille des dictionnaires. Et s'il le fait, je prédis qu'un ouragan de mygales mangeuses de hamburger de crapauds fidjiens s'abattra sur ses auteurs, sur ses lecteurs, sur ses éditeurs, sur les libraires qui le vendront et quelques centaines de milliers de malheureux innocents qui ne feront que passer par là, le mauvais jour au mauvais endroit.

If you are comfortable with off-the-wall dream-poems, scribbly diagrams suggesting meanings, several Maps to the Right Brain, and explorations into the depths of a man's soul, this book is for you. Apparently the author thought organization and planning expendable. It seems whatever drifted into the author's head was suitable for posterity. Who else would mix dream poetry, art, cartoons, weird essays, scribbly diagrams, and Maps to the Right Brain in one book? This "piece of art" is held together by lack of continuity. Read the neurotic efforts of a temporarily confused author, Doug Rucker, who, in addition, has come up with the puzzling title, CRANDALICUS? Good reading!

A divorced man continues his hilarious search for true love as he struggles to learn what women really want.

A proper obituary for a famous shelving unit; an ode to a vacuum flask; a Socratic dialogue on product naming; a product recall for a disco ball; a rondeau for LED lighting, set to music for four voices. These are only five of the fifty shades of IKEA, printed on paper, flatpacked inside glossy cover stock, no assembly required. Just open and read. Fifty Shades of IKEA is a collection of fifty essays, stories or poems, each written in a different writing genre, none of which is "abusive relationship erotica."

A funny joke book about the University of Texas A&M Football. It is filled with dirty jokes about your favorite Texas A&M fan you love to hate. It makes a great gift or a book to share with friends. You will be telling these jokes over and over again to your laughing friends.

It is training and energy for the brain. KaKuro is a logical numerical puzzle, the mathematical equivalent of a crossword puzzle. In the cells it is necessary to place the numbers from 1 to 9, there are inactive cells (marked in black). In cells with given numerical values, the upper right value indicates the sum of the digits in the row, and the value from the lower left position is equal to the sum of the digits of the column below the cell. For example, the number 6 can be represented as a sum of 2 and 4 or 1 and 5; the same numbers (3 and 3) are not allowed. Calcudoku - this is a mathematical and logical puzzle. It is necessary to fill the grid with numbers so that in each line and in each column they are not repeated. The number in the corner of each selected block is the result of an arithmetic operation on the digits in this block. The numbers inside the block can be repeated. All signs of mathematical signs are hidden. The puzzle can be called Square Wisdom, Kendoku. 50 Kakuro 8 x 8. 50 Kakuro 9 x 9. 50 Kakuro 14 x 14. 50 Kakuro 15 x 15. 100 calcudoku sudoku puzzle easy levels. 100 calcudoku sudoku puzzle medium levels. Only unique puzzles. + 250 sudokus difficult level that can be downloaded and printed. + 250 maze puzzles that can be downloaded and printed. 1 verified solution. All answers are at the end of the book. Exclusive puzzles. An excellent book for free time and mind exploration. I hope you enjoy the book. Best regards, Basford Holmes

Have no fear! The Great Book of Pub Trivia Vol.2 is finally hereand it's the perfect companion for game nights, fun family times, fun evenings with friends, or just reading to brush up on your pub trivia knowledge. These trivia questions will get your brain working, that's for sure. You'll get instant access to fun quizzes covering different topics such as film, politics, science, history, fashion and many more. You'll get a taste of quizzes like: This is a character in Star Wars and one of the villains in the franchise.He was Darth Sidious's first apprentice and a Sith Lord. He has quite a shocking appearance, with black and red skin, yellow eyes and horns. He survived death in the Phantom Menace, killed Obi-Wan Kenobi's love interest, and formed a group of crime lords called the Shadow Collective. What was this character's name?Almost half of the world's population speak one of only ten languages as their mother tongue.Mandarin is the most spoken language with 1.2 billion speakers, Spanish is the second most spoken language, then followed by English. What is the fourth most spoken language on the planet? It is the official language of the government of India, and it is also a recognized language in Mauritius, Trinidad and Tobago, Guyana, and Suriname. Name this language. He is one of the most iconic villains in film and television who we first met in the 1952 novel Psycho, by Robert Bloch.The character is psychotic and has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He also suffers from visual and auditory hallucinations. His delusions made him think he was his mother, and that she was controlling him to kill people. The character was inspired by notorious serial killer Ed Gein. What is this character's name?

Quotations paired with pictures in improbable ways, with here and there and unexpected turn or two. Not quite "Mad as a hatter" but certainly with a few "bats in the belfry"!

This scarce antiquarian book is included in our special Legacy Reprint Series. In the interest of creating a more extensive selection of rare historical book reprints, we have chosen to reproduce this title even though it may possibly have occasional imperfections such as missing and blurred pages, missing text, poor pictures, markings, dark backgrounds and other reproduction issues beyond our control. Because this work is culturally important, we have made it available as a part of our commitment to protecting, preserving and promoting the world's literature.

If you were born from 1946 - 1964 you're a Boomer. Like it or not. When I turned 60 I realized what it has meant, to us and to the Grandkids. I'm still the same inside and I don't plan on changing. The things that have happened in our lives all this time are still as meaningful today as they were back then. So, what are we doing differently that really affects out points of view about the world as it is?Somehow, the older I get the more I do things the way I used to. We didn't forget, we're just out of practice. But, some things really bring it all back to life and nothing does it more than watching the grandkids growing up. It doesn't matter whose they are.That's when you get to see that light in us all, once again. Groomin' the little ones to be witty and wild. Shake it up, have fun, tell them what you used to do and how it use to be. They love it! Our kids tuned us out a long time ago but their kids really seem to get it.That's why I call ourselves, "Groomers". Condensing GR-andparent b-OOMERS to just GROOMER, or B2G.If you want to have a nice time thinking about it, then here is my offering. Take a little time for yourself and see how much you can remember about the simple good times we had. It's a fun read. There's two books available, they are the same, only with the titles reversed. It's all how you look at it. Choose the one you like best. "Sixty From The Sixties" or "Boomers To Groomers". You can view the book trailer on YouTube with the link below.http: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmDF-XUtVI0I hope you come away with the same good feeling that I had writing it.

Go on an exciting adventure and see life through the eyes of a secondary school teacher. Experience a working week as an English teacher and encounter a range of fascinating characters and their amusing antics!

If you're looking for gardener jokes and funny gardening jokes you've certainly come to the right place. Some of these gardeners jokes, puns and gags are old, but some of them are new, and while we don't want to plug them too much, we think this a great collection of funny gardening jokes.We hope you enjoy this bumper crop of the very best gardener jokes and stories.

You've seen the rest, now meet the best: The Daddy, the ultimate in bad Dad joke books!Packed with 100s of terrible gags and truly awful puns, The Daddy comes with its own dedication page, enabling you to pen an extra special message for that extra special person in your life - your Dad!Go on, I dare you: treat the old man to a copy, then skedaddle to a dark room somewhere while he works his magic, teasing and tormenting as only a Dad can. As it says on the guarantee, he'll love it - you'll hate it! No wonder with jokes like these: I've started work as a waiter. Granted, the money's not fantastic; but at least I can put food on the table...My fear of horse chestnut trees. After years of therapy, I've finally managed to conker it.I took my PC back to the shop when it wouldn't stop swearing at me. I said, I think it might be the curser...So I said, doctor, doctor, every time I go for a number two, it comes out looking like chips. He said, have you tried pulling that string vest up a bit?I asked this bloke what his American Pit Bull puppies were going for. He said, anything they can get their teeth into...Delivery driver walks into the medical centre and slams a dozen pizzas on the counter. He says, before anyone asks, it's just what the doctor ordered.This bloke emptied a packet of grated cheese over my head. I said, that was mature, wasn't it...?I rang the gaffer. I said, I'm just arriving on the south coast now, boss. He said, do you realise it's five in the morning? And what are you doing on the south coast? I said, just what you said, boss: making sure I was in Brighton early.I said, I can't believe how much weight I've put on. I might have one of those over active, erm, erm...She said, thyroid gland? I said, no, knife and fork!My pet mouse, Elvis...he was caught in a trap.

This journal is the place for recording the boldest and most brilliant of ideas. Creative Cuss quotes inside to keep you motivated along with areas to plot goals and plant your fucking magical ideas.

MCRD - Marine Corps Recruit Depot MCRD is a saga of screw ups too side-splitting to be believed. This story relates the humor, and laughter depicted in the anthology of thoughts and memories created by one man, in one platoon, in one company, during one summer at MCRD. Enjoy the journey of 58 "boys" as they suffer the transition to become one of The Few-The Proud- a United States Marine. "You'll dye laughing. MCRD is a place, chosen and designed by persons of wisdom, to make the best Marines on God's earth. Some break and fall along the way! Others, learn to fear failure and disappointment more than death itself. Those who accept the challenge, through sweat and agony, become members of a storied brotherhood and receive a title viewed in awe, while others fail to understand their unbreakable creed. To be there, is a life changing experience. Lessons and loyalties learned will follow them, and influence them the remainder of their days. The author believes God allows us to only remember the humor, and not relive the "wish I could die" part! After this read, see if you agree. Enjoy!

Is it true that nice guys finish last? It sure seems that way as a divorced man fights his way through a comedic dating scene. Will he ever find his soul mate? Phil has been called the male version of Carrie Bradshaw. Enjoy his humorous essays about relationships and the struggles we all have finding and keeping lovers. Women appreciate his open view into the minds of men. Artist Mike Swaim adds to the hilarity with his brilliant sketches, giving another dimension to Phil's quest for love.