Being Morose - Howard White - Bog

In a dystopian parallel world, Oxfordshire Police have a hopeless drunk and an over worked Geordie novice, working on crime solving mysteries, along with a cast of shady characters in the force, and very dodgy residents, their families, pets, and gardens. Anarchy alcoholic fug and rude words abound "What were you doing the night he died?"Fetch suddenly lost his composure, and looked shiftily round at both officers."I'd, err, rather not say, Sir" He fiddled nervously with a fiddle he'd picked off the floor.As the lilting strains of The Magic Flute filled the room, Harris saw his chance."Mr Fetch, we need to know exactly where you were""I was in the upstairs lavatory," He squirmed"There's nothing embarrassing about that Mr Fetch, we all have to go y'kna""You don't understand, Sergeant Harris, It was very odd. I needed to do number two's, and I did, successfully...""Successfully?""I keep a log, a record of my stools, just a hobby, you know"Harris felt an urge to retch, "So what was so odd about this particular occasion?""I always check the pan afterwards, for size, number, consistency, you know""Aye ok... and?""And there was nothing there, the pan was empty... so, at the time of the murder I had my hand round the U bend searching for my missing turds""Let me get this straight Mr Fetch, are you saying you can't account for your movements on the night in question?"1. SINS OF THE FEATHERS Left alone with Inspector Morose, Robbie Harris prays for a good murder and promptly gets one in the shape of their local MP. Grilling the entire household, it becomes apparent, that all is not as it should be. Anywhere. But at least there's a full drinks cabinet. 2. MORONIC MYSTERIES An attempt is made on Inspector Morose's life. Sadly it fails, and a guard is set on him as it becomes apparent that a cop killer is out for revenge as is Mrs Harris's bank manager. As Morose begins to recognise familiar patterns in the killers' modus operandi the chase is on. 3. CHERUBIM AND TURPENTINE A missing schoolgirl turns up at the police station and attempts to out-drink Inspector Morose. Modern beat combo music is singled out, as no-one can think of anything else to blame today's disaffected youth on. Daily Mail readers will love it. 4. LAST SEEN SWEARING Morose vanishes on a bender, around the same time as a public school teenager vanishes from the planet. While a trail of bodies and frustrated teachers builds up an off licence is trashed to jolly things - and Morose - up, and Newcastle United visit for some light relief. 5. GEEKS BEARING GIFTS Oxfords' Geordie-Greek community is being culled for reasons unknown. Mrs Harris has a go at culling the bank staff and celebrities start culling each other, while the big chief gets too big headed for his own good. 6. DRIVEN TO DESTRUCTION While Mrs Harris starts a new job, Morose is trying to frame a used-car dealer for random murders. Robbie Harris feels Morose is barking up the wrong tree. A specialist in violence against women feels Morose is just barking. Mindless violence & homicides follow. Follow Morose on Facebook