The Official Redneck Jokebook - Rob Loughran - Bog

"Can I," Little Rodney Redneck asked his father, "have some money for some Red Man?" "What happened to the five-dollars I gave you Saturday for shoveling horseshit?" asked dad. "I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park." Dad is so proud of Rodney. His kindness and Christian charity. He opens his wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. "I'm proud of you Johnny, but this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving them money, the lazy-ass homeless will never get a job." "But this homeless guy already has a job." "Really? What does he do?" "Every Saturday morning, for five dollars, he sucks my cock." A redneck woman walks into a gun shop and says, "I'd like to buy a shotgun for my husband." "What does he like: .10 gauge, .12 gauge, .14 gauge?" "Doesn't matter. The dumbshit doesn't even know that I am going to shoot him." What's a nine year old redneck girl say the first time she has sex? "Hey Pa, you're crushing my smokes." How can you tell the redneck Amish in your neighborhood? They have a dead horse up on blocks in their front yard. How do you circumcise a redneck? Punch his sister in the jaw. Two redneck gals are gossiping while walking through the Piggly Wiggly. "How was your date with Billy last night?" "We sat on the couch and immediately he started groping my ass. So I slapped him as hard as I could right across the face. But I regretted it as soon as I hit him." "You have feelings for him?" "No. He was chewing tobacco." A redneck came to work one day and started passing cigars out to celebrate the birth of his son. "Congratulations Billy Bob," said his boss. "How much did the little 'un weigh?" "5 lbs. 7 oz." "That's kind of small isn't it?" "It's not bad," said Billy Bob. "Considering we've only been married two months." What do you call a dozen rednecks at an orgy? A family reunion. How we know that Adam and Eve were from West Virginia? Because they had no house, no car, no job-but still thought they were living in paradise. Why did 18 rednecks go to the same movie? Because of the sign: 17 and Under Not Allowed A southern football coach, determined to teach his team about the evils of alcohol, took a worm and dropped it into a bottle of vodka. The worm shriveled and died. "What," said the coach, "have you learned from this?" His star linebacker said, "I learned that if I drink enough vodka I'll never have the problems with worms that my momma has." A redneck's definition of a perfect woman? A blind, dumb, deaf, nymphomaniac who owns a chain of liquor stores. What is XX? A redneck cosigning for his brother. The sex-education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "Does anybody know what this is?" Little Rodney Redneck stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them." "Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher. "Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." A pit bull chased Little Rodney Redneck up a tree. The owner came by and said, "Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again." "I have a better idea," said Rodney. "Why don't you take him to a dentist and remove his teeth? I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me." Little Rodney Redneck calls up the principal and says, "I'm sick and can't come to school today." "Rodney," asks the principal, "how sick are you?" "I just," says Rodney, "fucked my grandma up the ass is that sick enough for you?" Many more redneck and Little Rodney jokes inside