The Official X-Rated Animal Jokebook - Rob Loughran - Bog

Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel. A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor." "Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?" "What kind, lotion or spray?" "What's the difference?" "You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day." "It's not for my armpits." "Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day." "It's not for my legs either." Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?" "It's for my little Schnauzer." "Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days." Why can't worms dance? They don't have any balls. Why don't roosters wear boxer shorts? Their peckers are on their faces. What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's dick. Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly? They've got cotton balls. What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison? A receding hare line. Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey? Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium? He heard the ref was blowing fouls. What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Shake hands. Why don't lobsters play well with others? They're shellfish. A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm. He says, "Wanna fuck?" "I'm your other end, dipshit." "What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady. "I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy." "I'll take it." She's back the next day, "I want my money back." "Why?" "He didn't eat anything except some flies." "You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place." They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat. Nothing. The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you." An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, "What are you staring at, Yank?" "We have sheep in our country, but we don't do that to them." "What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?" "We shear them." "Get your own; I'm not shearing with nobody." Many many many more filthy, x-rated animal jokes inside...